Written by GE 138.
First off, thanks to Monica for taking me (dragging me) to go see this film. She's a great friend and I don't know what I'd do without her. <3
So I get to the consumer behemoth that is the Towne Square. I can only imagine that this is what the world would of looked like if the Germans had won the war. I park a million miles away in a big ass parking lot, wander around lost for a while while following signs to the theater which ended at 2 flights of stairs going up. Who the Hell puts a movie theater on top of 2 flights of stairs anyways? Ugh! Monica isn't there yet, but lots of Punk looking people are. She gets there, we grab popcorn and drinks, and make our way inside the theater, where the crowd sitting there looks like they're waiting for a Rancid concert. That is in no way, shape or form a compliment in any way. Through her strong brujeria Monica makes a whole row of fashion Punx shift seats so that we can sit in the back row together. Mongo impressed. We settle down and the movie begins and I immediately want to leave. The shaky premise of Heroin Bob and Trish's love child named Ross going off on a drinking and drug induced bender while on the way to an Extreme Corporal Punishment gig just held no interest for me. The soundtrack was terrible - more Goth than Punk, and the hairpieces / wigs looked like shit. I didn't give a fuck about anybody in the movie. They all sucked. Heroin Bob's son was some poof Goth dandy looking kid, who's only friend was the coolest Punk in SLC, a pretty boy named Crash who apparently had no backstory or history - he was just there, he just was that cool, but you'd never know it by his actions or dialogue in this movie. They were being driven around by this quiet girl named Penny who had a car fetish and a pedo rapist father. Why did the movie mention that about her? I dunno. They didn't explain why these 3 hung around together, and I didn't wanna know. I just wanted to leave. The fact that people in the movie theater were enjoying the movie was nauseating to me. I was hoping that the young Punx in the audience would of lit the movie screen on fire while screaming Anarchy! or some shit, but as always, they disappointed me. Stupid kids. They didn't even tear up the seat cushions when the movie was over or sneak any booze in. The only weed I smelled being smoked in there was coming from me!! Poseurs! LOL
Monica is loving the movie, as well she should. It's a total after school special chick flick, full of pretty, vapid people who speak in 140 characters or less. The soundtrack is horrible, full of what sounds like freshman year Punk Rock bands and classic Goth club hits, and the entire movie, especially the Heroin Bob flashback / interjections, just reek of condescension. It's almost embarrassing to watch the characters from the first movie, Trish, John The Mod (now John The Norwegian Death Metal meathead), Beggar Sean (now Senators Aide Sean), and Handsome Mike (now Mike the sleazy porno kingpin), interact on screen with each other. Did they need the cash that much?? I hope not. After watching everyone having a great time at the ECP gig, with plenty of Dwarves footage thrown in for good measure, somehow Ross ends up on stage and takes the microphone away from the singer of ECP and tells the band to stop playing, and they do. I can't tell you how many times I've seen that happen at the gigs I went to. I really can't, because it's never fucking happened. Now with everyone at the gig waiting to hear what Ross has to say, he proceeds to tell them all to fuck off and that he'd like to fuck them all at once. Then he does a stage dive and nobody catches him. Good, I thought. The angry, insulted crowd then proceeds to stomp the kid, while ECP continues playing in the background. Oh the horror. This is where the movie actually starts at - with Heroin Bob's son Ross getting stomped out, and then the story is told via flashbacks to bring you up to speed. Then Senator's Aide Sean and John The Norwegian Death Metaller come crashing in and fight their way through the crowd to save Ross from being stomped out flatter and thinner than this movie's premise, and they drag Ross outside to confront his mother Trish and the ghost of Heroin Bob that hangs over them all. Then they all hug. Then Ross, who was making fun of Penny for looking like a dude the whole movie, suddenly says he loves her, she says she loves him back, and they head off with Crash, who is just walking out of the gig, and the trio of Punks head off into the moonlight together, leaving the old folks standing there smiling and waving and wishing them well on their journey. Where was Crash when his friend Ross was getting jumped? Who knows? Then Heroin Bob comes back on screen to say who cares about any of this shit in the movie and then he reminds us that he's still dead and flips everybody off. The End.
As the credits rolled and the lights went up, I could hear people voicing their disappointment and disgust with the movie. "I can't believe I paid for that shit" and "I can't believe that I sat through that shit" were 2 of the more popular sentiments being voiced by the departing crowd. The only ones I heard saying anything good about this piece of shit movie were the fashion Punx who looked like they could be extras in an Exploited video circa 1985. They loved it. They thought it was the Punkiest thing they had ever seen. "That movie was tight" I heard one of them say as Monica and I were leaving, which for this generation was a Shakespearean statement! LOL This whole farce was brought forth by some Gofunding type of scheme, which should tell you all you need to know about this movie, because if it was a good movie, somebody, anybody, would of released it and distributed it. What company doesn't wanna make $$$, right? Yeah, but the fact that this movie was brought about by what basically amounts to charity / begging on the Internet tells you it's not very good, and it really, really isn't. There's a couple of good moments, like the Ross beer buying scene, or the Sean getting maced drama, but that's it, and even that is stretching it a bit. Punks Dead: SLC Punk 2 is a sad, sad movie, full of poorly fleshed out characters and mind numbingly dumb story lines and arcs, and lacking the wit, charm, passion, and brevity of the first one. It's like that high school Punk band you see struggling to maintain composure while opening up for the big bands at the big venue for the big gig. You know they suck, but you cheer them on because it's mean to be truthful and laugh and boooooo them off the stage like they deserve to be. Punk's Dead: SLC Punk 2 is like that struggling opening band. You know they suck, but you look for something, anything, to like about them. The problem is that there is nothing to like about this movie. Nothing. Unless you're one of the mindless fashion Punx still in high school, or thinking and dressing like you are.
I'd tell you to avoid seeing this movie at all costs, but you know you're gonna see it anyways, you Punk Rock motherfuckers you. :-) James Merendino, you should be ashamed of yourself for this travesty...
Punk's Dead: SLC Punk 2 is available nationally in select theaters. Check the Punk's Dead: SLC Punk 2 Facebook page by clicking here to see where and when it's being shown. The movie will also be available via DVD and video on demand on March 8th. Whoop dee fucking doo.
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