Exhumed / Iron Reagan / Kinam / State Of War / Phalloplasty @ The Cheyenne Saloon

Written by Karl Bakla.

First of all I didn’t even leave my house until the recent episode of Homeland was over… when Clare Danes character Carrie Mathison gets all crazy with her googly eyes, she reminds me of someone I would date. I don’t know if I am attracted to mentally ill woman or if they are the only ones that will go with me to Chili's, for an Awesome Blossom… whatever, the first three months of our relationships are usually fun.

I showed up to this show late because I am a Punk Rocker & I hate Metal. I hate Metal people, I hate people that don't look like they bathe, I hate moshing, I hate people with long hair, & I hate Poseur Devil worshipers, but for some reason I like bands that Tony Foresta is in. No Friends, is a fantastic ripper of a band, & of course Municipal Waste reminds me of what I remember D.R.I. sounding like. Funny how I remember D.R.I. sounding good... so when Iron Reagan's LP came out a while back on A389 I quickly snagged it up & dug it for its sensual Thrash sound! Is it OK if I add another reason I hate Metal? No? Well, fuck you! I think head banging is fucking stupid, but I think finger banging is fantastic. My penis rarely gets hard from all the drinking so sometimes I need to use my finger, for fuck sake my pinkie is bigger than my cock anyway & as Poison Idea once sang, Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends.

When I walked into the Cheyenne Saloon Kinam was finishing up their set to a handful of people who seemed to enjoy them. I was shocked to see so little people at this gig, I assumed this show would be packed, but for the first time in my life I was wrong about something. Kinam played Death Metal which wasn't my thing, but they seemed to do it well.

Another reason I don't like Metal is that I only listen to Pick Your King by Poison Idea & that is not Metal, when Punk bands ask me if I like the shitty songs on their Bandcamp & I say I like them, that is only because I was listening to Pick Your King at the time of looking at their site. For the record I did not listen to their music, for fuck sake it might actually be good shit, but I would never know.

Next up was Iron Reagan! I timed this shit just right! The handful of people up front seemed stoked as the band marched on stage to the tune Hail To The Chief. When the Crossover onslaught began one overly enthusiastic prick tried to start a mosh pit to the dismay of everybody else, at one point I thought he was gonna get beaten up; sadly he didn't. Iron Reagan played several short Thrash rippers & they seemed to only stop to catch their breath and tell jokes, which had the crowd laughing. Not sure who was funnier the Drummer or the Singer, but when Tony accused the audience of mistaking the tune Walking Out with Working Out, I laughed so hard I sharted out cum. At one point in their set I.R. played an instrumental which the singer used as an excuse to run off stage and do a shot with the band Exhumed. At another point in their set, a guy inspired by the guitarist’s t-shirt started requesting Merciful Fate covers! Then just as fast as it started Iron Reagan’s set was over!

After Iron Reagan got done playing I decided to leave, I don't know who Exhumed are, but I assume that people who play Warlock guitars like them. I don't like Warlock guitars & I wouldn't be in a band with someone who plays one. Yes, I am a dick!

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